Full Disclosure: I haven’t seen any of these movies and choosing winners by wild ass guess.
Best Supporting Actress: NAILED IT.
Bérénice Bejo, “The Artist”: A silent movie? Are you kidding me? No way. Underestimated Academy voters need to be thought of as extra artsy this year.
Jessica Chastain, “The Help”: Might be a problem. Plucky White Girl ends racism, not a universal theme. CHECK
Melissa McCarthy, “Bridesmaids”: If she looked like Marisa Tomei, she’d be a shoo-in. Hollywood only loves big girls if they’re black, can sing or both. Love her in “Mike and Molly”. CHECK
Janet McTeer, “Albert Nobbs”: Never heard of her. Don’t lie, neither have you. CHECK
Octavia Spencer, “The Help”: WINNER. I’ll say it. Spencer will win the “Hattie McDaniel, We’re Not Really Racist” Oscar. CHECK
Best Supporting Actor WRONG
Kenneth Branagh, “My Week with Marilyn”: The Academy’s apology for not getting a Best Director nod for “Thor”. Not winning this, though. CHECK
Nick Nolte, “Warrior”: Been a fan since “Rich Man, Poor Man”. I love me some Nick. Has an outside shot but some people can’t get past this. CHECK
Christopher Plummer, “Beginners”: Was great in “The Sound of Music”…that’s all I got. I guess he was really good in this movie.
Max Von Sydow, “Extremely Close and Incredibly Loud”: Only the second nomination in his illustrious career. Criminally overlooked for his role in the original “Conan the Barbarian”. CHECK
Jonah Hill, “Moneyball”: WINNER. Hollywood gets to say its hip by selecting the “Superbad” alum. Jonah loses more weight, moves on to leads in emo romcoms and stops being funny shortly thereafter. I'm sticking with this based on "21 Jumpstreet" commercials.
Best Actress WRONG
Glenn Close, “Albert Nobbs”: No. Glenn Close as a dude is not acting. CHECK
Viola Davis, “The Help”: Octavia Spencer already took home the one Oscar per year allowed to go to black people. CHECK
Rooney Mara, “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo”: Not seeing it. Daddy’s New York Giant’s are the only upset the Mara family gets this year. CHECK
Meryl Streep, “The Iron Lady”: Over Meryl. A popular choice, high profile subject, British accent normally wraps it up for Meryl. Not this year. Almost had it. WINNER
Michelle Williams, “My Week with Marilyn”: WINNER. Hollywood is still in love with Marilyn decades after her death. Williams also gets lots of sympathy for being Heath Ledgers ex and baby mama. An Oscar is a long, long way from “Dawson’s Creek”. Lesson learned? Never bet against Meryl Streep in the Oscars.
Best Actor WRONG
Demián Bichir, “A Better Life”: Don’t even front like you know who this guy is. Yeah, I'll Google him next time. WINNER
Jean Dujardin, “The Artist”: Best silent acting since Valentino. Yeah, nobody else cares either. CHECK
Gary Oldman, “Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy”: Not this year. Someday he’ll win one. Brilliant in “Immortal Beloved”. Best Commissioner Gordon ever. CHECK
Brad Pitt, “Moneyball”: Probably would win except for…
George Clooney, “The Descendants”: WINNER. George beats Brad to the Legitimacy Oscar and leaves messages on Brad’s voicemail like “Hey Brad, this Academy Award winner, George Clooney…” just to be a dick. Overestimated how much Academy voters loved George. They would rather be thought of as extra artsy this year.
“The Help”: WINNER. Hollywood trumpets it’s inclusion and denies years of racism by awarding “The Help” a Best Picture Oscar. This award makes up for Charlie Chan, years of dressing white guys as Indians and making black folk look stupid. Not really. 1. The Academy wants to be thought of as extra artsy this year. 2. Hollywood doesn't care about racism.